Dear Appy, Good intentions aren’t working


(What is most humorous to me is that this is based off of a true story)

Dear Appy,

I’m writing for advice. I’ve found myself pretty blue lately and a little desperate for a job. It all started a few months back when my special girl Suzy suddenly stopped coming out to see me.

Last week her driver stopped by the ranch, her name is “Mom”. Mom brought me some carrots as usual but I overheard her talking to Trainer and she mentioned that Suzy was away to some place called “college” and that they would need to sell me!

Naturally at first I was shocked! Then I was sad, but mostly I was terrified of this pending change. Eventually I realized I should be looking at the bright side. After all, I have been very lonely lately and pretty darn bored. Even before Suzy left she had not taken me to the big pony party to compete in a couple of years. Perhaps this was my chance to meet a new best friend, get back to the pony party, and jump the sticks in the show ring while hearing the delight of the crowd?

I decided to embrace the opportunity.

Ugh….. I’m droning on again.

This is all beside the point, here is the tricky situation that I am finding myself in…..

After numerous suitors that I did not care for, which I made very clear during the tryouts, I have firmly made my choice on who will be my next human. She is medium height, awkward build for a human but very kind. She doesn’t ride very well but I can feel her love for it when she is up there. Ironically she also has a driver that’s called “Mom”. 🤔 Anyways, she has come to try me on two occasions now and for some strange reason she likes to spend more time sitting in the dirt then other humans. Though she always looks up at me and smiles which melts my heart. I think she needs me to take care of her but how do I convince her trainer?

First Day: she awkwardly climbed up on my back and took a moment to find her center. It was love at first ride for both of us! The walk and trot was glorious. Could it be? Had I found my person? We were both so excited that when it came time to canter she booted me forward and I obliged…. she produced a swift gymnastics backwards tuck and roll but unfortunately did not stick the landing. 🤭 Oops….. *note to self: girl not ready for a gallop. I quickly adjusted my approach and on the next try I quietly loped away. Everyone was thrilled.

Second Day: Trainer decides its time to jump the sticks. As we turned the corner and she pulled me towards the jump my adrenaline surged, FINALLY! The moment I have been waiting for to show off my stuff!!

4 1/2 strides away, I can feel the wind in my ears,

3 1/2 strides away, this is going to be so incredible,

2 1/2 strides away, I wonder why she’s not making an adjustment yet

1 1/2 strides away…… ummm, does she not realize? Oh god, I’m on my own here. Starting to freak out. Get a grip Nepolian you can solve this! I’ve got this!! We’ll just go impressively long, the trainer will love my style!!

Leap! Stretch! Tuck those knees! Land!

Oh dear god! She forgot to two-point!!

And there she is again sitting in the dirt. Coming immediately to a walk I circle back around to her and she’s looking up at me with a grin. 🤷‍♀️

Meanwhile the trainer is barking at her to get back on and give it another go. Perfect, I still have a chance to show this trainer that I’m the one.

Once again, adrenaline pumping yet a bit nervous this time.

5 1/2 strides away I can feel the wind in my ears

4 1/2 strides away, what if she doesn’t measure again 🤔

3 1/2 strides away, what if she forgets to two-point again?

2 1/2 strides away, she’s nervous and grips me with her legs. Are we late? Should I speed up? Does she want a move up? But that didn’t work out last time, I’m so stressed 😥

1 1/2 strides away, her trainer yells “two-point” so she does. I can’t leave from here, it’s still too far, my outstanding long effort last time made you fall, oh god! you’re not ready for those…… at the very last second I made the only logical conclusion to be made…… a hard chip. That’s it! A super short will do!! With the prowess of a cat I skillfully squeezed that extra stride in and still cleared the sticks perfectly!!

Boom! Over my shoulder she went!!

This time producing a small cloud of dust in her wake. I halted to avoid stepping on her and stared down at her in disbelief. And there she was looking right back up at me with that shitty grin.

Why does she insist on playing in the dirt? Doesn’t she know there will be plenty of time for that later AFTER they buy me and bring me home to love me forever! How will I ever convince the trainer now?

The trainer shaking her head mumbled something about “twice in the same day is enough for now.” Clearly Disappointed, the girl lead me back to the barn for my cookies and spa treatment.

Please help me Appy!!! What if they don’t come back? What should I do if they DO come back? I don’t know, maybe she needs glasses? She clearly needs me to take care of her. How can I show the trainer that we can jump the sticks successfully TOGETHER?


Desperate Jumper Pony

Dear Napoleon,

First off I’d like to commend you for handling the absence of your first girl so well and learning to see the bright side, looking to the future for new adventures.

Second, it really seems like you have put your best hoof forward to try to make this work. You must really care for this young lady. For both your sakes I hope they decide to give it another shot and come back for a third trial because it takes a special pony to truly want to take care of their rider!

The good news is that I have the solution for you!! I call this move the “One, Two, Trot step”

Next time you are cantering your way up to the low sticks and you find yourself in an awkward position it is not necessary for you to go leaping long or chipping short. Instead, you should try the “One, Two, Trot step” directly in front of the jump. This uses less effort and allows you to keep your back flatter over the top. I learned this well back when I was a school pony. This little maneuver would save me from getting pulled in the mouth, banged on the back, or flailing spurs along my side.

Perhaps if you try it in your tricky situation she will stay on at last!!

I wish you the best of luck! Please do keep in touch.


Dear Appy

*update: Napoleon wrote back. It turns out that the potential buyers did in fact come back for just one more attempt. Napoleon once again had found himself placed in front of the sticks at the worlds most awkward position. He gritted his teeth, prayed that my advice would work and stuck those last two trot steps in right in front, gracefully carrying his back AND his rider over the top and safely to the other side. TOGETHER!

The Trainer cheered!

The Girl grinned!

The Driver whipped out the checkbook!

And they all lived happily ever after!!!


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